21 Things .12

Refreshed

I've just returned from soaking up the sun on the West Coast! 
Ok, I didn't just soak it up, I burned, but it was worth it!

Friday afternoon found my family on Long Beach, the welcoming waves and iconic sands stretching into the haze of mist. At first I refused to touch the icy water, but then my feet carried me into the waves with the others. So then I said I'd only wade, but the next thing I knew I'd dunked and was shivering...and happy. I couldn't resist the ocean!

Saturday - another cloudless day - found us at Little Beach (Little, Long, Big... couldn't they have more creative beach names?), struggling into our wet suits and balancing on paddle boards as we set out to explore the surrounding coast.  
There is something so thrilling about being so close to the water; and its a different kind of "close" than canoeing or kayaking. Standing, I sensed every ebb of the waves under my feet and had freedom to move about, kneel, or lie down and look over the edge at my leisure. The windswept trees on shore and the distant, shimmering horizon of blue got me into what I call the Moana spirit and I started singing:"but I come back to the water no matter how hard I try..." "see the light where the sky meets the sea, it calls me..."
The horizon truly was calling. At one point everyone else had returned close to shore and despite the fact that I knew I was wandering a bit too far out alone, I couldn't stop paddling. The sky and the mysterious depths beneath me both terrified and excited me (these two emotions seem to be a theme with my lately).
Nothing unexpected happened and after my dad had come out the join me I eventually paddled back, but I couldn't help glancing over my shoulder every now and then to capture the wild scene in my memory. 

The ocean experiences I had this weekend seem a fitting metaphor for how I feel about life right now: out between the familiar shore and the unknown horizon, fearful at times and uncertain whether to paddle forward or back, but paddling nonetheless. 
This constant internal conflict is tiring but I'm taking it one day at a time. I thank God for weekends of refreshment and for giving me moments such as these to help me understand myself better.